I couldn't get to my car fast enough, it seemed as though everyone was staring at me wondering what horrible news I had just received. I hoped my husband would answer the phone and he did. "Sweetie" I said, "the baby has a cleft". A huge sigh came from the other end of the phone, "how do you know?" he asked. And I went through the whole story, sobbing, feeling as though I was going to vomit.
I'm not sure how I got home, the car must have been on auto-pilot but as I pulled into my driveway my husband was there to meet me. I just ran into his arms, burried my head like a child and sobbed uncontrollably. "This is my fault" is all I could think. "I have a cleft and now my child has one, this is all my fault". I understood right there in that moment the guilt my mother must have felt (she does not have a cleft), but no mother wants their child to suffer in any way.
We sat on the couch and I cried as we spoke about what was to come next. My husband, who always tries to see the silver lining in things, said that maybe we were the best parents to have this happen to given our (well my) experiences. Part of that made sense to me but then I got angry, "This isn't fair, why should I have to go through all of this and now go through it again as a parent? Did I do something so wrong in my life that I deserved this?" The answer to this question would become clearer in the following days.
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